Absolute Blue Invitation 3/22/19 - 3/23/19

Absolute Blue Infecticizes

Due to recently enacted SEC regulations, we are hereby required to report a security breach at one of our major North American Data Centers. Although we would rather refer to these as ‘Information Spills’. Rest assured, as we are pleased to advise all of you that your critical personal data has not been compromised. For example, no one will ever know the details of Nancy’s recent court appearance or Jimmy’s abysmally low credit score. Some band member’s data, however, has been released to the general public. Of most concern is a series of medical records that could prove to be intriguing, enlightening or downright embarrassing. Even as we speak, our routine medical exams are being downloaded to YouTube (make sure you check out Skip’s colonoscopy, volumes 1, 2 and 3). It is with this in mind and in the spirit of true transparency that we bring you the following diagnosis in an effort to head this off before it hits worldwide news outlets or local investigative portals. Can you imagine the damage if this got into the hands of Sean Hannity?

-Skiptheria: Not easily contracted so you really have to apply yourself. Since patient zero was found to be an exotic dancer, this is now known as the Striptease Disease.

-Donorrhea: Diagnosed often enough to put the freak in frequency. Treated with a two week regimen of unusually large pills which unfortunately cannot be taken orally.

-Tommon Cold: This is nothing to sneeze at and can be caused by accumulated dust and allergens so is sometimes known as the hoarder’s disorder.

-Kevinfluenza: This unique strain was first diagnosed during the Obama administration earning the name Barrack Plague.

-Billybola: Seek treatment immediately for any of the many symptoms of this malady. Due to its New Orleans origination it is sometimes called the Cajun Contagion.

Join us for a Friday night at Monkey Bar in Indialantic from 8 to 12…

Absolute Blue Invitation 3/15/19 - 3/17/19

Absolute Blue Gastronomes

Now that the Absolute Blue Division of Culinary Science, The Worst Food You’ll Ever Love,  is out of receivership, most related litigation has been settled and we have been granted court-approved protection from creditors, we can continue our epicurean endeavors. Most of the furor stemmed from the response to our latest road to table cuisine which was dubbed CrocoTacos, which bore more resemblance to the footwear than the indigenous reptile, after we found discount ‘Krocodile’ meat on the internet. DNA tests proved that it was equal parts unidentifiable rodent, wheat germ distillate and polyurethane. We were almost out of the woods when our more ethnic entry came to market, JapanCakes. Customers, later known as victims, found that these passed, gastronomically speaking, so quickly they really put the temp in tempura. Combined with a culturally insensitive marketing campaign the product was doomed from the beginning. We remain undeterred, unrelenting and undeniably irresponsible. This is why, against the advice of legal counsel, we proudly announce the following:

-ShishSkipbab: A North Carolinian delicacy, it’s actually just pieces of random roadkill and boiled turnips on a twig.

-Tominy Grits: The perfect way to start your authentic Southern breakfast. Cornmeal, butter and arrogance.

-Billy Cheesesteak: A coupla Steak-Umms and a conservative amount of provolone makes this the perfect dish for the Republican in your life.

-Kevilled Eggs: Start with an egg. Then put it away and get some fish.

-DonDue: Don. Don’t.

Join us for the only public performance this Friday at Tiki Bar in Sebastian, on Indian River Blvd, just south of Main Street from 7 to 11…

Absolute Blue Invitation 3/08/19 - 3/09/19

Absolute Blue Reducizes

Guys we know what it’s like. After a certain age it’s perfectly normal to lose a step or 2. But what about those of us that would rather lose 4 or 5? Those that are out mountain biking and running 5k’s when there is so much SportsCenter and Bill O’Reilly to be watched? And ladies, we get it. Would it be so hard to turn down the Mississippi leg hound factor and sleep through the night every once in a while? It is with this in mind that the pharmaceutical division of Absolute Blue, The Worst Drugs You’ll Ever Love, after hours of research and a few horrific clinical trials are ready to test market their newest product, sloyerassicillan, mostly on street corners and parking lots. Get ready for longer naps, some perhaps permanent. Keep them guessing if you’re comatose or just a good listener. Is it lethal or just lethargy? Only one way to find out. Ask your doctor, pharmacist or that weird guy at the end of the street about sloyerassicillan. Now available in little plastic baggies.

-Don’t take sloyerassicillan if you’re allergic to sloyerassicillan.

-Don’t take sloyerassicillan if you don’t like sloyerassicillan.

-Don’t take sloyerassicillan if you are pregnant, plan on becoming pregnant, if you plan on getting someone pregnant, if you look like your pregnant or look at someone who is pregnant.

-Don’t take sloyerassicillan if you’ve never heard of sloyerassicillan.

-Don’t take sloyerassicillan if you can’t say ‘sloyerassicillan’.

-Don’t take sloyerassicillan in combination with other hallucinogenics. Just kidding. Trip on.

-Can’t afford sloyerassicillan? Don’t buy sloyerassicillan.

Join us for a Friday night at Brews ‘n Blues in St Cloud, on Pennsylvania Ave, just off 192 from 8:30 to 12:30…