Absolute Blue Invitation 6/06/14 - 6/08/14

The Absolute Blue Pledge

It’s that time of year when we reach into the bowels of the Absolute Blue resource library in a feeble attempt to cover our collective asses, both spiritually, emotionally and legally. Yes, it’s time to review and sign the Absolute Blue Pledge. Sometimes viewed as just another desperate attempt to bolster consumer confidence, boost customer loyalty and make new friends, but it’s that and so much more. Forged in the cold hard sweat of unbridled revelry, this mission statement captures the essence of The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love even as our forefathers created their groundbreaking vision of musical mediocrity and cold beer. Please repeat with me:

I pledge allegiance to the band, called Absolute Blue from ’Merica. We won’t pee in public, in which we’ll stand, in ovation, then applaud, get political, take Hillary for just us, not all.

Please sign the above in crayon, ink or preferably blood and send to our corporate headquarters at:

1035 Despairity Blvd

Bangor ME 04401

There now, don’t you feel better? We do too…

It’s a full weekend beginning Friday at Squid Lips in Melbourne from 7 to 11…

Then it’s a Saturday night at the Tiki bar in Sebastian, just south of Main Street on Indian River Dr also from 7 to 11…

And we finish up with a Sunday at Coconuts in Cocoa Beach from 2 to 6…

Absolute Blue Invitation 5/30/14 - 6/01/14

Congratulations!

You have been infected with the absolutebluniverse trojan horse worm spyware virus. Even as we speak our minions are searching each sector of your hard drive for naked pictures and sending them out to your entire address book, starting with your mom. And if none should be found, rest assured we are loading 500G of Bea Arthur nudies to choose from. Soon you will be twittering inflammatory posts to a host of local and national organizations which will surely add you to the watch list of Homeland Security, ASPCA as well as several local PTA’s. A Match.com profile is being created in your name, complete with enough lewd and lascivious comments to ensure a plethora of activity from both genders, maybe more. And if you already have a profile, you will in all probability be contacting yourself. Your LinkedIn profile is at this time updated with comments regarding your boss’s big butt and your browsing history is being verified against independent databases and if no adult websites are found you will obviously be held to public ridicule. Important documents are being randomly named with names such as Gramma’s Liver Recipes, Tic Tac Toe Strategies and Uwe Boll’s Filmography. Your Netflix queue is being reviewed and so you know guys, good luck explaining Say Yes to the Dress and Cupcake Wars. All cookies will be removed and replaced with a doughnut, brownie or a nice apple strudel. And when we get to your financial documents we’ll be sure to clear you cash. Don’t even think about calling Mr. Norton or Mrs. McAfee. No one can save you now, ha, ha ha…

Anyways, seriously we’re at Matt’s Casbah in downtown Melbourne this Friday from 6:30 to 9:30…

Then Saturday it’s back to the Old Fish House in Grant from 6 to 10…

And Sunday we play the grand reopening of Liars Pub in Grant, on US1 just south of Valkaria Road, from 3 to 7…

Absolute Blue Invitation 5/23/14 - 5/24/14

Absolute Blue’s New Menu

We have consulted with dieticians, nutritional specialists and this chick from Hooters to come up with a revolutionary new concept that blends the musical and the diatetic. To start with we bring you a selection of rootin’ tootin’ gluten free music. Each note has been painstakingly examined and each glute removed resulting in a singularly non binding and pleasant musical experience. If this doesn’t appeal to you may we suggest our series of low carb selections. With you in mind we have not only included complex and simple carbohydrates, but also included the rarely seen misunderstood carbohydrates. It’s so badass it makes Jenny Craig cry.

Then be sure to listen to one of our low sodium songs, which may or may not cure or cause bloating, stress fractures, Kaposi’s Sarcoma, cerebral hemorrhages and/or sub zero hematomas. We have removed virtually all salt, save for the sweat on Don’s neck. 

Through innovative nutritional technology we have also been able to reduce the bad cholesterol, boost the good cholesterol and actually invented the very bestest cholesterol, which surprisingly tastes like red gummy bears, which has been added to each and every Absolute Blue song. So you’re guaranteed to open up your arteries when you open your ears.

And if that’s not enough, we offer the illogical concept of vegan songs, which feature no lyrics that pertain, in whole or part, to the torso, mammalian secretions, ovum, whiskers, tentacles or hooves of any creature with a face.

As always, massive amounts of MSG has been added to each Absolute Blue performance to keep them appearing amazingly lifelike.

Only one chance to partake in the caloric magnificence of The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love, so make the most of it. Join us Friday night at Kenny D’s in Palm Bay from 9 to 1. Kenny’s is located in the Kmart plaza at the corner of Palm Bay and Babcock.