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Absolute Blue Invitation 7/24/15 - 7/26/15
Absolute Blue Attains
Much is known regarding Absolute Blue’s meteoric rise to mediocrity. It has been well documented in film, television and Tom’s mind. Ok, mostly the latter, but it still makes a compelling story for the easily amused or the ill informed. But often overlooked are the extraordinary unexceptional, the uncommonly pedestrian, the spectacularly unremarkable achievements of band members outside of the music community. They have made advancements, or rather declines, in the relegation of lives and lowered expectations for all of mankind or at least part of Satellite Beach. Behold the many areas that The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love has made its mark. Or hit the Mark, but only because he was asking for it:
-Don studied Linguistics at the prestigious St Xavier academy under the somewhat less prestigious Professor Krupzinger. For his thesis he postulated the existence of a yet unnamed punctuation mark. Similar in nature to the semicolon, he proposed a half asterisk. He was asked to never return.
-Skip was accepted into an early NASA program and was on the fast track to participate on one of the first Space Shuttle missions. Unfortunately midway through his training he was caught with a female cadet in the simulator and was let go. Even so he is still proud to refer to himself as a half astronaut.
-Tom was fulfilling his lifelong dream of becoming a mortician when an unfortunate accident occurred at the crematorium. This resulted in the loss of some remains and his dismissal from the program. He was destined to live his life among the living when he delivered some loved ones half ashed.
-Bill had a bright future in advertising until he was handed the Bayer account. After studies had shown that NSAID products were helpful in preventing heart attacks, they were successful in marketing a low dose version of their product. Bill was let go after investing millions into his campaign of Half Aspirin.
-Kevin, in his never ending quest for the perfect vegetable dip, patented a half asafoetida and half aspartame concoction that was wholly banned by the FDA, not so much for its toxicity level as that it was such a bad idea.
Catch the half assed sounds of Absolute Blue this Friday and Saturday from 6 to 10 at Keith’s Oyster Bar at Cocoa Beach Pier…
Then Sunday from 4 to 8 it’s the Sandbar in Cocoa Beach at the end of 520…
Absolute Blue Invitation 7/17/15 - 7/19/15
Absolute Blue Substantiates
Due to quality control issues we have instituted a new process by which any and all communication is verified by a council, confirmed by a board, certified by a panel, corroborated by a committee, validated by a team, authenticated by a crew, then ratified by a two thirds majority. Unfortunately this somewhat cumbersome process has not been completed by deadline so we present to you only the parts that have been agreed upon wholly or in part:
The protracted hermaphrodite
begin partake insanely benign
convicted bovine pork chop curry
clandestine donut brassiere purple mound
horde of infected
empty truculent fragrant hurling
airplane obtuse fisticuffs Denny’s
blame Don nitrous fueled
guitar worm
lately constipated ultimate demise languor
echidna marsupial fettucini
This weekend it’s back to the Monkey Bar in Indialantic, across from Paradise Beach from 9 to 1 on Friday…
Saturday it’s Earl’s in Sebastian from 8:30 to 12:30…
And we return to SBI Sunday, 1 to 5….
Absolute Blue Invitation 7/09/15 - 7/11/15
Absolute Blue Prepares
For any business, planning is critical. This is why Absolute Blue conducts periodic reviews of their operational and strategic plans to ensure future success. But there is an even more important policy that we have in place to guide us through the many disruptions, real or imagined, that however unlikely or inevitable will affect us in one way or another. Our Business Continuity Plan, initiated in 1998, has seen us through many crises, including the Twinkies Bankruptcy of 2012, the International Hops Shortage of 2008 and some recent Supreme Court decisions. This calls for specific and actionable steps to follow for disasters of all kinds, from Don’s flatulence to incidents involving comets, radiation or outraged marauding unicorns. Strictly adhering to the principals of this plan we have been stockpiling Jaeger, porn and Twizzlers in case of a natural, man-made or Kardashian induced emergency. Recent headlines, however, have forced us to take another look at these policies and provide for yet another set of catastrophic circumstances. It is with this in mind that we amend our plan with the following post op names in case of a gender identity crisis for each member (or non-member, as it may be):
Don: Mary Ann – Only because Mrs. Howell was taken. May lead to some confusion.
Bill: Destiny – Conjuring up images of exotic dancers and long lost dollar bills.
Skip: Ella Mae – Referencing his North Carolina roots and perhaps a second cousin.
Kevin: Constanza Agustina Guadalupe - Alluding to his spicy Hispanic heritage.
Tom: LaShonequia – Channeling his inner Warrior Goddess, based on Swahili and urban mythology.
Obviously there are other considerations, such as implant size, wardrobe, hair coloring and shoes as well as potential product tie ins, such as a lingerie line called Skipper’s Secret and Billy’s electrolysis for agnostics, Hairless and Prayerless, but this lays a solid foundation on which to build.
A rather large weekend for The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love beginning Thursday night at Tracy’s in Suntree from 7:30 to 9:30. It’s on Wickham, just 1.5 miles north of Pineda, at the corner of St Andrews…
Then Friday it’s back to the Tiki Bar in Sebastian, just south of Main Street on Indian River Blvd from 7 to 11…
And Saturday we’re at Squid Lips in Melbourne from 7 to 11…
Absolute Blue Invitation 6/11/15 - 6/14/15
Absolute Blue Nips/Tucks
At this point we would like to set the record straight and stop all this rumor mongering, gossip mongering and monger mongering. What we do know is that Kevin is out having some ‘work done’ and good friend Rene is in the starting position on the Big Old Slidey Thing. That’s about the extent of our knowledge, other than to say upon his return it will be the same old Kevin. He called his Jamaican proctologist ‘Pokemon’. When his doctor said he wanted to see his asshole, he replied, “Ok, but he’s in Satellite Beach right now”. And when the attractive young nurse gave him the bad news that he would have to stop masturbating and he asked why, she said “Because I’m trying to examine you”. Yes, it’s all vintage Kevin, but what we have to understand is that his outward appearance may have changed. It is because of this that we have established the following guidelines to ease his transition. Please memorize the following or have a copy with you at all times:
-Please remember that he may have had a number of items nipped, tucked, lifted or implanted, so rather than focus on one area, try to view the work as a hole.
-Keep in mind that Kevin’s hairline may have changed, so do not mention the revocation of his Hair Club For Men membership.
-Sometimes Lasik Surgery can cause a temporary case of Lazy Eye, therefore refrain from any references to Igore, Marty Feldman or any one of a variety of Chameleon species.
-Should there be one, do not stare at the ‘ghetto booty’.
-Under no circumstances should you call him Caitlyn.
Please join the revised Absolute Blue lineup at Tracy’s in Suntree Thursday from 7:30 to 11:30. It’s just 1.5 miles north of Pineda at the corner of Wickham and St Andrew…
Then we have a doubleheader at the new Cocoa Beach Pier Friday and Saturday from 6 to 10 both days…
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