Absolute Blue Invitation 9/25/15 - 9/26/15

Absolute Blue Gridders

After a series of questionable calls, three coaches challenges and an overturned turnover, Absolute Blue inexplicably finds themselves in a position to win this game. To say their offense has sputtered is an offense to sputterers everywhere. Nevertheless, it’s first and goal at the seven with the game on the line and a chance to advance to the playoffs. With under a minute to go the ball is snapped. Kevin again heads to the cheerleaders and Tom has lined up for the opposing team. Bill gives the ball to Don. Who gives it right back. A loss of 2 and it’s their most successful play from scrimmage today. Second down and Bill throws what might be regarded as a forward pass, taking out an elderly peanut vendor. This would be considered a completion in some leagues but we call it third down. With the clock stopped they manage to gather themselves together in a kind of befuddled huddle with a pompom girl and an opposing player. One must admire their collaborative skills if not their strategy. In shotgun formation, Bill fades back and is immediately tackled. By Tom. One must admire his enthusiasm if not pretty much everything else. Desperation time now as the ball is snapped just as the clock runs out. Sensing a pair of ragtag linebackers rushing in a kind of misfits blitz, Don takes them out, giving Bill time to find an open receiver, presumably from either team. He lets the ball fly to the corner of the end zone, where Skip has been since halftime still waiting on a hotdog. He put up his hands in defense and finds the ball between them momentarily, then throws it down with a look of disgust. But the referee rules possession and signals touchdown. Yes, touchdown Absolute Blue! They win the game that nobody wanted to see and move on to face the Hoosier Daddys next week. The few fans in the stands register their revulsion and quickly head for the nearest drive thru. So our final score, Absolute Blue 6, Surfside Elementary 3…

Join us Friday at Siggy’s in Palm Bay, in Interchange Square, just west of 95 on Malabar Road from 9:30 to 1:30…

Then Saturday it’s back to Malabar Mo’s from 6 to 10…

Absolute Blue Invitation 9/18/15 - 9/20/15

Absolute Blue Taxonomizes

There has been much speculation on the origin and classification of Don and Kevin. Turns out that ‘Horn Dog’ does not indicate a particular species, but rather refers to genus Gottalotta Mediocrus which incorporates the closely related Porn Dog (exoticus maximus) and Corn Dog (festivus vomitus). Known for their sparse plumage, which is groomed regularly at one of many Haircuttery or Fantastic Sams locations, the species is known for its beautiful and often deadly courtship dance, based in its entirety on the Macarena. Other mating rituals are too disturbing to be noted here. Only mildly territorial, they have been known to feed with other member if their phylum at a KFC or Golden Corral. When cornered, frightened or confused, such as during tax season, they will in defense emit an obnoxious odor from a gland that is most likely sphincterical in nature, then giggle. Nesting occurs in apartment buildings of suburbs, where they enjoy cheese doodles and reruns of Dancing With The Stars. Efforts to domesticate the species have failed miserably mostly due to their inability to be housebroken. All attempts have been met with years of heartbreak and soiled furniture.  They are known to be pack hunters, wearing down their prey with a series of fart noises and dirty jokes.  This once proud and highly intelligent species is now critically endangered and exists only in 2 specific subspecies, one in upstate New York (freezinus assesoff) the other in East Central Florida (climatus mildenuf) due to deforestation, elimination of their natural habitat and airfare discount coupons. Please help us preserve these noble creatures for future generations by giving generously to the tip jar conveniently located in front of the band…

Friday we set the horn dogs loose at Milliken’s from 5 to 10…

Saturday we participate in the Gap Community Outreach Fair, 1808 Port Malabar Blvd, from 12 to 1…

Then Sunday it’s 1 to 5 at SBI, rain or shine…

Absolute Blue Invitation 9/11/15 - 9/13/15

Absolute Blue Secures

Due to a number of risk factors and an increase in chatter both in social media, texts and random gossip, Absolute Blue has raised the Band Threat Level to Deafcon 4, internally known as Code Pink. Or salmon. Actually it’s more of a muted lavender. This largely confusing and ultimately meaningless action revokes standard band protocol and suspends normal operations such as paying band members and performing with any sense of integrity in a sort of musical martial law. As a result, drastic measures have been taken, such as practicing and learning new songs, while we wait to see what will come of this. Citing specific threats from fundamentalist Freemason websites specifically targeting poorly played music by old farts, we feel that we are particularly at risk.  So we will take the following measures to ensure band secrets such as Tom’s recipes or Bill’s theoretical tax returns do not fall into the hands of rival bands:

-Possessing or discharging of firearms is strictly prohibited except in cases where it is not pointed at the band.

-Report and suspicious activity not being conducted by a band member to the nearest waitress or other person or peoples appearing to be a figure of any type of authority.

-After failing obedience school. Don and Kevin attended alternate training and are now bomb sniffing horn dogs so do not be alarmed when they try to get a whiff of you.

-Possession of alcohol is required and distribution of such to band members is highly encouraged.

-We will also reinstate random strip searches, however this time we will not be doing the stripping AND the searching. Skip was confused last time and wound up nakedly fondling audience members inappropriately. As if there was an appropriate way of doing that.

We return from a week off with our first ever gig at Ryan’s in Cocoa Village from 7 to 11 Friday. It’s at 4 Harrison St, at the corner of Harrison and Riveredge. You could take 520 to Riveredge. Or US1 to Stone to Harrison. Or 515 to Harrison. Or ask Siri. Whatever, just be there…

Saturday it’s Squid Lips in Melbourne from 7 to 11. You know where that is…

And Sunday it’s Malabar Mo’s, at Malabar Road and US1, from 4 to 8…