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Absolute Blue Invitation 12/11/15 - 12/12/15
Absolute Blue Emblemizes
After years of research, several focus groups and hundreds of therapy sessions, we have come to the conclusion that Absolute Blue is missing a vital component common to every successful team. We have yet to provide a tangible symbol of our mission, a physical manifestation of our purpose. Yes, I speak of a mascot. We have not had one since Flash left the band. But now we begin the difficult and painstaking process of selecting the appropriate representation of our core goal, which of course combines mediocrity and alcohol. Immediately we eliminated references to potential inflammatory subjects such as indigenous tribes, urban radicalizations, religious deities, political figures, registered trademarks, recognized brand names, Kardashians, erectile dysfunction, baby bumps, music shaming, pending legislation or dancing with the stars (or anyone else) which limits us tremendously, however have selected the following as potential possibilities:
-We were ready to introduce the noble sea gull as our mascot until he took a tern for the worst.
-A newly discovered species of maladjusted Ursus maritimus seems to meet our needs, the bipolar bear.
-Don suggested as a metaphor the albatross would be appropriate, or its more glamorous subspecies, the jessica albatross.
-Kevin lobbied for the honey badger but under its full name, Honey I shrunk the badger.
-Our drummer offered his latest genetic experiment based on African cattle DNA that he likes to call the Billdebeest.
-My thinking is to go with the Antilope, which I’m guessing is the opposite of any other lope.
This Friday please find us at Millikens at the Port from 5 to 10 Friday…
Then Saturday it’s back to Squid Lips in Melbourne from 7 to 11…
Absolute Blue Invitation 12/04/15 - 12/05/15
Absolute Blue Dishes
We are proud to announce that Kevin’s fish dip has finally given the accolades for which it has long been overdue. It has been chosen best fish dip by Hometown News. Once regarded only as a local delicacy, it is now known from Grant all the way to Valkaria. As a result, he has finally achieved his lifetime goal of bringing the world closer together through the use of cream cheese. The formula has been developed through much trial and error, mostly in southeastern courtrooms. And while the exact recipe is a closely guarded secret, we do know that the fish go through an extensive interview process before being selected. We apologize guys, only the best tasting kingfish get to be in Kevin’s fish dip. Not to be outdone the rest of the band has pulled together a series of ill-advised meals:
-Don created a Szechuan dish specifically marketed to Panda Express and was in distribution talks until they realized it was made out of actual pandas.
-Skip took another approach and compiled a list of his favorite country music inspired road kill recipes into a cookbook entitled On The Road Again.
-Tom takes organic to a whole new level with his special veal piccata, made exclusively from cows that have committed suicide. Unfortunately the high cost of emotionally unstable cattle is at an all time high so he has taken matters into his own hands and become a kind of Kattle Kevorkian.
-Bill has proposed a vegetarian line of products called Bein’ Vegan with liberal recipes developed over a Weekend at Bernie Sanders’. Yes, he puts the left in leftovers.
-And the entire band has put together some just desserts, including chocolate moose made by the Cocoa Elks, reinbow sherbet made with real reindeer and baked Alabama made with real Birming Ham.
Only one chance to catch The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love this weekend, Friday at Grind + Grape, on Ocean Blvd just south of 60 in Vero (772.231.5536)…
Absolute Blue Invitation 11/25/15 - 11/29/15
Absolute Blue Thanks
We would like to take this opportunity to give thanks for friends family and the opportunity to spend time with both. And jaeger…
This week we start things out with an unusual Wednesday night pre Thanksgiving party at Tracy’s from 9 to 1…
Then Friday it’s Cricket’s in Melbourne from 9 to 1…
And Saturday we return to Keith’s Oyster Bar at Cocoa Beach Pier from 6 to 10…
Absolute Blue Invitation 11/19/15 - 11/22/15
Absolute Blue Capitalizes
In an effort to become more fiscally responsible to our employees, Absolute Blue has implemented a series of new funds to ease our employee’s transition into retirement. These include a 402(m), a 400(jk), a 399(lol) and a 501(wtf) and follow the investment strategies of a highly regarded GOP Fiduciary think tank. Unfortunately these hedge funds invested in shrubbery, the large caps were exclusively oversized fedoras, the bonds were only James, our commodities were full of oddities, the arbitrage were garbitrage, the blue chips were flavored Pringles and the short sales were primarily to midgets. We needed a broker and that's exactly how we ended up. As a result we lost our entire $137.
Following that catastrophic loss, we have implemented an entirely new strategy, which we like to call Adopt-A-Dog. This allows you to sponsor the Horn Dog of your choice anonymously, eliminating the smell and potential injury incurred when actually confronting this proud and noble beast. And while you would not be able to take them home, unless you upgrade to the Conjugal Visit plan, your package will include a remarkably lifelike signed photo, a printed certificate designating you as the temporary conservator and periodic visitation rights. And while we are not technically a 503(c), a 506(c) or even a 36(dd) your donation is probably tax deductible, as long as you do not declare it. And for a low monthly payment you can choose to extend your sponsorship through senility or incontinence, depends. Makes a great stocking stuffer!
Another big weekend for The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love, starting with private party Thursday night, but then Friday we’re back to Keith’s Oyster Bar at Cocoa Beach Pier from 6 to 10 Friday…
Saturday it’s back to downtown Melbourne at Matt’s from 6:30 to 9:30…
And finally a big Sunday at Milliken’s at the Port from 2 to 7….
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