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Absolute Blue Invitation 3/10/17 - 3/12/17
Absolute Blue Jests
We at Absolute Blue are fortunate that our founding fathers had the foresight to plan for a number of different contingencies related to operations and performance, contained in the appropriately titled Farticles of Confederation. These cover such topics as Don’s wardrobe, Tom’s hygiene and Bill’s political ramblings, which have all been subjects of punitive measures in the past. But also included in our charter is a provision for dealing with ‘jokes’. There is specific protocol regarding these as part of the Absolute Blue bylaws. Or transgender laws. Whatever. As a result, each ‘joke’ is evaluated on its own merit and is therefore held accountable. And should a ‘joke’ go ‘bad’, there is due process to maintain the standard by which the organization has become known for, with the end goal being public safety. And should the ‘joke’ be found to be distasteful or out of line with the human condition, the resulting judgment can range from a simple time out to capital punishment. Each member in good standing can bring charges against said ‘joke’ and in turn will need to answer for the pain and suffering caused. For example we have the following in various stages of the judicial process:
-All This Time In Maine And Never Got To Bangher: Guilty, awaiting sentencing.
-How’s Your Sex Life, I’m Holding My Own: Currently out on bond, held over for trial.
-She’s Already Got Maracas: Released early on good behavior, however most likely a repeat offender.
-Dyslexic Guy Walks Into A Bra: Charges dismissed as mistrial was declared when it did not meet ‘joke’ standards.
-Agnostic Dyslexic Guy Doubts Existence Of Dog: Theological precedence notwithstanding, we don’t even get it.
-Chunks: Currently serving a life sentence with no possibility of parole.
This weekend it’s another doubleheader at Keith’s Oyster Bar at Cocoa Beach Pier from 6 to 10 Friday and Saturday.
Absolute Blue Invitation 2/24/17 - 2/25/17
Absolute Blue Italicizes
Given the recent policies implemented by our newly forming national government, travel to certain areas is becoming challenging if not entirely problematic. So why take the bother? We at Absolute Blue Inc. propose a series of projects that will allow you the same experience without leaving the confines of our own walled nation. And what better place to start with than the land of true contrast, where they invented not only the Pope but the Mafia as well. Of course I speak of Italy and its richly sordid heritage. Just imagine Carpe Diem at the coliseum or exploring the apocalypse at the acropolis here in your own front yard. Even better, we put a twist on things to make it even better than the original. So get off your Athens and behold the grandeur:
Billan: A new mecca of fashion geared toward the southern gentleman. Includes unique and potentially treasonous wardrobe pieces made of camo and the rebel flag.
Prompei: A high school dance disaster reenacted twice daily. Kinda like Carrie with lava.
Venice-ice-baby: Check out the drainage ditches around Vanilla’s mobile home park.
Subparthenon: Inspired by the actual ruins from some 2500 years ago, but comprised mostly of Styrofoam and leftover toothpicks.
Vatican’t: Features illustrations of the inability of Catholic doctrine to affect change regionally or globally.
Leasing Tower Of Lisa: Actually just a tall woman with bad posture.
Friday finds us back at Malabar Mo’s from 7 to 11…
Then catch us Saturday from 7 to 11 at the Tiki in Sebastian, just south of Main Street on Indian River Drive…
And make plans now for our return to Lou’s Blues March 3rd…
Absolute Blue Invitation 2/17/17 - 2/19/17
Absolute Blue Raps
11:55
It may not happen. No reason for alarm. Just because it’s happened night after night. Might not happen.
But it does.
rap…rap…rap…
As the hour hits midnight the sound appears faint and distant but cuts through the still night. It can’t be drowned out and refuses to be ignored. Driven by loss of sleep and desperation you slowly rise and make your way to the bedroom door, your eyes long accustomed to the darkness. Silently opening the door you hold your breath. Even louder the cadence quickens. The only thought is that it might stop. It could stop.
But it doesn’t.
Rap…Rap…Rap…Rap…
Slowly making your way down the hall, singly focused, you take comfort in the fact you are alone and whatever you face, you face it yourself with no other lives hanging in the balance. This fate is yours alone. You could stay out of the kitchen where it is coming from.
But you don’t.
RAP…RAP….RAP…RAP…RAP…RAP….
The roaring starts as you enter the kitchen. Unable to focus on anything but the pounding and resulting echo you frantically look for the source and are able to just make out a drawer vibrating with each deafening roar. You stagger to the counter and grab the handle, woefully unprepared for what awaits you. With a massive pull it opens and you try to make sense of the horror inside. It can’t be. Just can’t be…
Wrapping paper.
Join us for a Friday night at Coconuts in Cocoa Beach from 7 to 11…
And Sunday marks our 2017 return to SBI from 1 to 5…
Absolute Blue Invitation 2/10/17 - 2/12/17
Absolute Blue Telephones
Just phoning it in this week…
-Steve Jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump. But it’s really not a fair comparison. Like comparing apples to oranges.
-My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning! Can you believe that? Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
-What do you call 100 rabbits walking backward? A receding hare line.
-If you think your job is meaningless, remember somewhere someone is installing the turn signal on a BMW.
-Just bought the world’s worst thesaurus. Not only is it terrible it’s also terrible.
-For all those Trump haters: China built a wall 2000 years ago and still has no Mexicans.
-My girlfriend admitted to me she used to be Christian. I’ve only known her since she was Christine.
-Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he’ll become a prince.
-Women are like hurricanes. They come into your life wild and free then leave with the PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH…
Join us for a double header this weekend at Keith’s Oyster Bar at Cocoa Beach Pier from 6 to 10 Friday and Saturday…
Then it’s finally back to the Sandbar in Cocoa Beach, at the end of 520, from 4 to 8 Sunday…
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