Absolute Blue Invitation 2/16/18 - 2/18/18

Absolute Blue Searches

The Internet can be a dangerous place, as many Republicans have found out recently. I myself Googled Google at one point which inadvertently opened up a worm hole and subsequently lost several beanie babies and some Star Wars limited edition figurines. But when used with caution and prudence, the internet can be a wondrous place. And choosing your guide carefully can mean the difference a smooth and enlightening experience and total  disaster, as anyone that made the mistake of Asking Jeeves can tell you. On the plus side, at least Yahoo taught us how to yodel. On the minus side, Bing you still suck. And now we have Alexa, who seems so happy and helpful but truth be known, she has a dark side. We find it helpful to disable the vindictive mood in the app, but even then once you bring her home to meet the family she starts saying things like “Do you know what time it is?”, “Where have you been?” and ”You missed my birthday again!” So we are left with Google as the easiest and best option. But did you realize Google itself has variants such as:

-Moogle: Developed in conjunction with FarmersOnly and designed to give rural America its own set of digital tools. Contains a unique porn component, obviously.

-Newgle: The next generation search engine, designed to not only automatically search for your content, but also read it as well, so you can get off to bed as you have a big day tomorrow.

-Froogal: Nothing but coupons, special offers, rebates, exclusive deals, once in a lifetime opportunities, you make have already wons and the occasional Nigerian Prince.

-Truegle: Eliminates many outlets of Fake News including Kelli Ward, Russian news portals, The Weather Channel, most of social media and every other Trump statement.

-Magoogle: Content for and related to nearsighted, balding, inept, mumbling, bumbling elderly men, which covers most of the band.

-AbsoluteBluegle: Your portal to all you need to know about The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love, including Skip’s turn ons, Kevin's fish dip recipe, Bill’s liberal leanings and why Tom is the way he is. Better yet, don't.

See also Kungfugle, Dejavugle, Fondugle and Tattoogle.

Join us for a big weekend, beginning Friday at Coconuts in Cocoa Beach from 7 to 11…

Then Saturday, also from 7 to 11, it’s back to the Tiki Bar in Sebastian…

And Sunday it’s our return to SBI from 1 to 5…

Absolute Blue Invitation 2/02/18 - 2/04/18

Absolute Blue Laments

This week we come to you with heavy hearts, our faith in mankind perhaps irrevocably shattered. As we live in an enlightened time, with the wisdom of the ages available at the click of a finger, a vast repository of theological, historical and scientific knowledge available for use wherever we go. The masters of literature accessible with a few keystrokes. An unprecedented array of cultural insight at our disposal and what is it used for? To remind people not to eat Tide Pods. Yes, with untold resources available to us we need to remind each other not to consume toxic cleaning products. And besides, they taste terrible. So what else hath the internet wrought? Lest we forget:

-Ice Bucket Challenge: At least this had a purpose. However many participants failed to take into consideration the considerable mass and/or density of water in its liquid form, leading to many injuries.

-Cinnamon Challenge: Pointless. Embarrassing for all concerned. You have to question the individual that willingly participates in an activity that guarantees vomiting if not serious lung damage. Fortunately the activity is currently illegal due to the 2017 Herb and Spice Protection Act.

-Mannequin Challenge: Yes. Exactly what we need. More millennials standing around doing nothing.

-Planking: Only a seasoned performer would have the ability to combine the subtle nuances and aesthetic properties to replicate a stationary piece of wood. Nailed it.

-Tebowing: For those of us old enough to have lived through this absurd part of our history, this pays tribute to the former Heisman winner. Sadly, probably his most enduring legacy.

Join us this Friday at Siggy’s in Palm Bay from 9:30 to 1:30…

Then Sunday, 2 to 7 at Millikens at the Port…

Absolute Blue Invitation 1/26/18 - 1/27/18

Absolute Blue Culinizes

Due to an egregious security breach at the Absolute Blue Corporate Headquarters we understand that a series of confidential emails and correspondence has been compromised and forwarded to a number of media outlets. So as we speak, intimate details of our sordid culinary history are now hitting multiple social media platforms. In an effort to mitigate any potential legal action, minimize any public outcry or curtail beatings, we will forge on with our full disclosure, or as Skip said when he first saw us on the beach, “Damn the four speedo’s, full speed ahead”!  So in the spirit of full transparency we feel compelled to tell you about the time Don proposed an Apprentice themed cooking show called Firin’ Chef, or when Tom was a contestant on the failed pilot of Say Yes To The Asparagus, when Bill showed up to Cupcake Wars with several semi-automatic weapons andr when Kevin’s appearance on Top Chef was so horrific it was almost renamed Stop, Chef! But that’s not all. Other leaks include the band’s favorite recipes:

-Skippered Herring: A favorite of Skip’s grandmother in her later years, when she forgot to remember that she was not in fact Jewish.

-Bill Pickle: Using a special recipe that combines his family’s secret seasoning with a pinch of Lou Dobbs, sprinkled with Glenn Beck and a dash of Sean Hannity. Making cucumbers great again.

-Tomelette: Start by beating 3 eggs into submission. Fold in a generous portion of contempt, blend with a dollop of disdain and a splash of condescension. Serve with a gratuitous portion of angst and garnish with indifference.

-Kevinly Hash: Chunks of smoked fish and cream cheese combined in a light sorbet. Forget cleansing the palate, this will most likely remove that sucker completely.

-Chili Don Carne: Reviled not so much for the absence of beans but for the presence of MEET, a beef substitute and unintentional byproduct of nuclear fission that can cause spinal enlargement, spinal shrinkage, mental loss, mental gain, constipation, incontinence or in some cases everything to stay pretty much the same.

Join us for a Saturday at Millikens Reef at the Port from 5 to 10…